My Pained Heart Laid Bare

God was laying the foundation for my heart

My beautiful friend and her son on Tubb’s Hill

Dying for relationship.

God has led me in the area of discipleship and working with women. Although I’ve had opportunities to work with younger women most of my ministry has pertained to women around my age group.

I’ve come from a place of dying for relationship. Looking out the window as a pre-teen, envying those so free to play and interact joyfully. I longed. I hoped. I ached.

My insecurities as a child, maturing into my teens and then entering the adult world, assaulted me many times-I was left with the inability to reach out. What I wanted so much, felt so far away. It hit me forcefully when I was a young mom of two children, pregnant with our third, and managing homeschooling and a pilot husband. It went from to bad to worse as I discovered another pregnancy but felt alone and lost in the midst of a busy family.

I wanted. I craved. Relationship.

The times I did reach out I was left pained.

God was creating in me.

One particular relationship I had invested not only my time and energy, but my bare heart. When she gossiped in our small homeschool group, it crushed me. How could she? What had I done that promoted her talking behind my back?

And yet, all this time, God was creating in me. I didn’t know. I had no understanding. My heart for relationship did not lessen, even with my efforts to submerge it for a few years. God was laying the foundation for my heart to ripen. To pursue. Relationships.

God was moving me from pitying myself to looking beyond. Years later, I am in awe of God’s daily presence and Him leading me through the pains, to understanding women in their own pain.

Turning the pain into love.

When I started volunteering at Open Arms my vision increased and love for the millennials grew, even in the middle of not always understanding.

God brought into my life a particular young gal who had needs beyond my own capabilities and previous experience. In my obedience to my Savior who never leads me astray, I walked into a special relationship with a 17 year old.

The passion was re-emerging from my own youth and seeking others. Raising my children, the passion was a spark, ready to be lit and set aflame.

I still want relationship. It lives within me everyday.

But the spark was lit, the flame ensued and my heart could finally go beyond the me and move to the her.

Being called for what purpose?

As I enter into relationship with women what is God calling me into relationship for?

For myself.

To validate me.

Appearance of a good person.

Kuddos until my next act of kindness.

I hope not. I pray not.

I pray each interaction, each conversation, each text, every coffee date is filled with His presence. I am depleted of myself.

I am called into relationship to bring others just a bit closer to God. To point to the One who really does matter. And when our focus derails…again…we can encourage one another to join hands together in His presence and to humbly submit.

I am particularly touched this Mother’s Day. Maybe for the first time, truly, I see it is much more than about myself. It is much more than what I receive. It’s much more than hoping my children fill my well.

Bare heart, pained heart, He calls me into relationship.

He beckons me to be in relationship with women He has called me and to point out our neediness on and to Him. Our dependency on Him. Our wells that are empty and will never be filled without God.

This is my heart.

What is your heart?

I met with one of my younger friends and asked her, “What is your dream?” I had the privilege of hearing her dreams, hearing her heart and tentatively pouring out feelings and passions that may have been buried.

What is your heart?

It’s been a privilege this season to reach out. To look beyond myself. And receive the blessing of striving to live in His will and living in His presence.

What is your heart?

If it’s not aligned with God’s purposes then you will be left depleted. Align your heart with Gods heart He can’t help but fill it.

I know now God uses my pained heart, stomped on by a woman I thought was my friend. He has taken my journey from within to living outside myself.

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Chris, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV)

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21 NIV)

Ladies, give your heart to the One who truly loves you the way you are. How can anyone love you more for the One who created you to be the person He meant you to be? He loves you.

All He wants is you. Your heart.

Give Him your heart. Lay out your passions. Cry out your hurts. Tell him your desires. He wants you to have it ladies. And if He withholds or tells you to wait, then trust it is for your good.

Give Him your pained heart. Your stomped on heart. Your heart crying for love as a teenager. Your adult heart that holds your yearnings and passions. Your heart with holes and leaky self-image.

Give it a go. And He just may give you more than you have asked or what you have imagined.

 

6 Responses to My Pained Heart Laid Bare

  1. Sydney May 13, 2015 at 8:32 am #

    I like what you said…the spark was lit, the flame ensued and my heart could finally go beyond the me and move to the her.

    I desire relationships. It seems it has been a difficult road to have friends…but after reading your article…I think it all is the ripening of the heart….I want to go beyond me…. 🙂

    • Diane Samson May 13, 2015 at 6:10 pm #

      Bless you Sydney. It seems for some it’s easier or at least it looks easier. God has brought me through a long journey of friendships and I have much more to share on the subject. It’s been so painful…and yet so joyful too. When I dwell on the me and think of what I need, or want or should be getting, it becomes selfish and self-centered. God lately has called me to go to Him, find my love and acceptance in Him and then go out and reach others. Thanks for your kind words, thoughts and keeping up with my blog. Love knowing someone is reading!! 🙂

  2. Suzanne Kuchynka May 13, 2015 at 8:37 am #

    This is so beautiful Diane! Love the vulnerability and authenticity of who you. You have a beautiful heart!

    • Diane Samson May 13, 2015 at 6:11 pm #

      Thanks for sharing here Suzanne. Glad to see you stopped by! Blessings. 🙂

  3. Tara May 14, 2015 at 4:07 am #

    I really liked what you shared. Thank you.

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