Hanging with the girls.
Good food and laughter.
This was a formula for a stimulating week of women gathering together to learn life tools and apply them in a unique way with a unique perspective.
Living a life of significance.
During my fabulous week I received more than I had anticipated. We learned a new module in women’s development training called, “The Significant Woman.” Do we know what it means to be significant?
Even though God desires for each of us to live a life of significance, we struggle acting significant in our sphere of influence. Are we happy or even comfortable in our own skin? Are we pleased with the way God designed us, the way God intended for us to live as women who follow after God’s own heart?
I experienced God’s presence in the midst of women serving God as missionaries in Russia, Bolivia, and Ethiopia. Women were serving in their churches and community. Other women were serving overseas, while others were called home to serve.
Each woman’s calling was unique to her own design and serving where He had placed them. I was privileged to stand (mostly sitting) and learn with awesome women, serving faithfully each day, learning along with them tools and techniques to draw women of all ages to Himself.
As spectacular as the week proved to be with the relational learning, great fellowship and delicious food prepared every day for us, it was an emotional week.
Handling my feelings.
Events occurred that tested me early on in the week. I was bombarded with my hurt emotions and trying to handle my injured feelings while at the same time trying to learn in the community of these great women. It challenged me quite unexpectedly.
When I felt rejected, I thought I learned to deal with those emotions.
When others laughed at me, I thought I learned to not take myself so seriously.
When “the teacher” talked me to on the side, I thought I learned growth was good and beneficial to maturity.
When communication became difficult, I thought I learned to open up and talk freely.
Who would choose me?
Our assignment early in the week was to choose a peer coach, which we would maintain for the whole week. As the leaders made the announcement, my heart lurched forward and immediately I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. I panicked. For a full day, I fretted, worried and was consumed with the thought, “Who would be my peer coach?”
The fact I didn’t know who my roommate decided to choose added extra drama. I felt expectations to be her coach, but I was oblivious to her desires. I completely panicked and unhinged.
Why does this have to be so hard?
That night in bed, wanting to cry, to pout and even yell to God, “Why does this have to be so hard?” I asked myself, what is so upsetting to you? I knew the idea of someone choosing me was uncomfortable. Will I be chosen?
I remembered in grade school the team captains chose who would play on their team. I NEVER got chosen first. They chose me last or almost last. The humiliation felt real and just as painful.
I remembered the feelings that lingered in my childhood. I didn’t know it then, but see it clearly now, I did not feel chosen by my parents. They had two kids. They fed and clothed us. We were never wanting for anything material. But beyond that, I did not feel special. I did not feel a priority. I did not feel chosen.
I wasn’t special to anyone.
This event of choosing a peer coach left me feeling unwanted as a child, void and unimportant. I wasn’t special to someone else. I wasn’t chosen by someone else.
When I faced my dilemma, recognized the root of my pain, I penned my fears on a note, attached it to a balloon, and let it go. The balloon whisked in the sky, freeing itself. I released my pain to God’s care.
God knew all along the pain I would experience from a seemingly innocent event. He allowed me to experience it. He allowed me to walk through the pain so I could finally release it to him. Fully give it up. No regrets. No holding back.
God works in the pain.
God works in the pain. A beautiful, young woman walked into my life, who spoke boldly, wisdom and truth into my circumstances. She shed light into areas of needed growth and steps for me to take in faith.
During one session, she declared, “We are going to pray for a chair for you.” The statement reflected our discussion on how to create a comfortable and inviting writing space. What a gift! I could have missed out in knowing this special person. If I stayed in my pit, if I pushed through to my own agenda and if I had not opened myself up to something new, I would have missed out in a special relationship.
God allowed the pain.
God allowed me to walk through pain so I could enjoy my new friend Rachel.
I am thankful that God always knows and understands my feelings and emotions.
I am thankful He never lets me sit in my pit for too long.
I am thankful God shows me the way to go, even when my own vision is blurred by my own pain stemming from selfishness and selfish motives.
I am thankful I am His daughter, precious and loved.
I am chosen.
I am chosen.
Are you feeling bent out of shape because of a person or a situation? Do you want to cry out to God and ask, “Why does this have to be so hard?”
He knows it’s hard. You’re not alone.
“Come to me who are weary and burdened.”