Busyness showed I was spiritual.
I used to think busyness was a good thing as if an overly busy life proved my spirituality. The busier I portrayed myself, the more spiritual I felt. Participating in Bible studies, teaching Sunday School, facilitating women’s studies, kids’ activities, availability for my friends and an attentive wife, all led to the path of “right with God.” The appearance of being busy, always busy—it was a good thing. My life showed progress. It had meaning. I honestly thought I was doing good for God.
This thinking was hidden in my activity. It was hidden in my heart of doing good.
Busyness showed my prideful attitude.
But deep inside there was a subtle awareness of an attached pride. If I appeared busy, then I am more worthwhile. If I’m not readily available for people then it showed I’m important.
Busyness can be a sin! How odd to call being busy a sin? What is sin? Sin is anything that keeps us from God and is a barrier to Him. Kind of like an idol.
Busyness became a barrier to God.
Busyness was a way to God, to reach Him, to please Him, to be loved and accepted by Him. The knowledge crept into my consciousness; it was actually more of a barrier, a blockade, a wall I had been hiding behind. My barrier of busyness blocked a deeper relationship with God. He already loved me and accepted me. All needed was loving Him.
Freely. Unhindered. Unencumbered.
Busy became my identity.
Over a period of months, God nudged me to slow down. I didn’t exactly want to listen, settled contently in my current situation. I received pleasure and accolades. I was known as Diane, the one who always had so much to do. Busy to me proved I was worthy. Busy became my identity. Women’s leader. Home school coordinator. Brownie queen. Confidante. Crafter. Wanna be writer. The list became endless.
I didn’t listen right away. It took time.
I discovered I liked to be in charge of women’s Bible study. My position as the homeschool coordinator gave me authority attached to feeling good about myself. I received pleasure from being in charge and in control. Attention and praise got me up in the mornings. My motivation to walk into church slowly spanned into what could I do for God today?
Busyness became an addiction.
It can be an addiction or at least a motivation to keep going.
I felt God leading me in other directions. I began to say no, whereas before yes’s were quick upon my lips. I prayed more over my decisions and assumptions of my duties were laid in the past.
I didn’t have the titles, didn’t have the tasks. I became a figure walking unnoticed in the hallways of my church. I could slink in the back, and disengage myself. No one was calling my name. No one needed my help.
For the first time in years, I didn’t know who I was. My identity wasn’t being a Bible Study leader. I wasn’t even known as the brownie mom as my older kids were grown and that crowd was gone.
My identity was shaken.
For Part 2–5 Things I’ve Learned in not so Busy