The Struggle to Release and Take it Back

God pursues you with such an extravagant love that no other love can match.

Releasing it to God.

“What do you do when you’ve released something to God, then you take it back?”

I was asked this question after a group of us ladies participated in a balloon release activity.

In other words, “What do you do when what you have let go comes back to you?”

I wrote on my paper like everyone else. I put my two issues that I wanted to give to God, release to Him. The first was more about my heart and me. Letting my own expectations of myself go. Not be so hard on my weight issue and trying to reach my goals unrealistically.

The second release was a relationship I have no control over. I have no say in it. God heard my agonizing cries this past year while I have given up this relationship to Him many times. Watching my balloon swirl in the air, my issues stuck to the string, I knew at the time I was submitting to Him. I loved seeing my balloon soar with all the other balloons, my expectations, my thoughts and my emotions being swept away.

When it comes back.

What do you do when it comes back and assaults you emotionally when you’re awake and when you’re asleep?

The coming back is a word spoken by an acquaintance and it cuts right through you.

The coming back is a friend asking about your situation, not knowing you don’t have much to offer.

The coming back is finding out about that person and you have no knowledge.

The coming back is the silence.

The coming back is not being invited. Feeling. Vulnerable.

The coming back is a remembered word, phrase or moment. You want to run and cling to the befores.

The coming back is trying to push it away but it pops up unannounced.

The coming back is your dreams, longing for wholeness and relationship.

However as many times it takes.

I’m not sure I have the answer. The “one answer fits all” doesn’t fill the present need and the vacant heart.

This is what I know now. “Diane. Let this one go, one more time. And I know you’ll want to take it up again and again. But I urge you to let it go. Let it go. Again. However as many times it takes.”

God loves us so much. His love is patient. His love is deep and wide. His love for us is everlasting, unending. His love goes far beyond our wildest dreams. He doesn’t get angry with us for our honest struggles. For trying to get it right. He is patient and loving when we lift our arms, release our balloons and give Him our hearts, but it’s refusing to let us go.

Grace. Is. Needed.

I need grace. I allow grace to be freely given. I reach out, release my balloon, and raise my arms in joy, even while I make efforts to grab it back.

For now, I have patience with myself. I allow His grace to seep into my soul. Grace permeates my heart. Grace dwells in my dreams.

I allow myself to mourn and grieve. For the release.

This is my process today, as God gently reminds me of my struggle. He understands my release is less me and more Him. I desire relationship. Just as He designed. My tomorrows are unknown. They are ready to be written.

But for today. It’s allowing a little bit of grace to seep into my heart and my soul.

Lyrics to a chorus:

Compel me with your grace

I am drawn

Compel me with your peace

Like the dawn

Oh pursue me with your extravagant love

I am won

You have won

You’ve won the battle for my heart

You have won me over.

Drawn into His grace.

As we are drawn into God’s grace He freely gives us His peace. God pursues you with such an extravagant love that no other love can match. He’s won the battle. He’s won our hearts.

Today. A new day. Keep on releasing. Keep on giving it up to Him. And when those dreams feel a tad too much and regret takes a front seat, open your hands, open your heart and give it up one more time.

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